Death

******WARNING****** THIS IS NOT DIRECTED AT ANY OF THE WONDERFUL, SWEET PEOPLE WHO SUBSCRIBE TO MY BLOG..........

This is to people who will likely NEVER IN THEIR LIVES visit this site. The following is ONLY an outlet for my grief and anger, thank you, and I LOVE you!!!!!!

I am the world's worst mother. Yes, it's true. I am a horrible, evil, stupid, worthless "person"....I suck.
Today, Jan. 7th, 2009, my sweet, fiesty ferret Angelou died, and it was all my fault.
I desreve to suffer.
I, as most of you know, am a life-long animal lover. Truth be told, I get along with animals and "fringe" groups of people WAY better than most "normal" humans.
I have had ferrets since about 1994. My THEN boyfriend..."J"...(someone I love reading this introduced us...) impulsively brought one home from the Pet Shop where he worked.
I fell in LOVE !!!! We named him SHAKESPER....he was a sweet, gentle ferret.
But ferrets are social creatures, they love to cudle up to other ferrest as they sleep, bounce, play, chatter...basically party, party, PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have had an albino named Einstein, a perfect sable (Shakespear), a cinnoman Sable named Milton, a Chocolate Sable named Marlowe, also traditional Sable Angelou and my big, chubby, chunky Shelley-belly.
I have also been pround to be owned by several, cats, dogs and rats over the years..(yes, Rats..they are SMART!! And will dance for CHEESE!!!)
On March 17th, 2008, we adopted a small, dirty ball of puppy-fluff that had been abaondoned on the interstate. He was precious!!!
Later, we discovered (through testing) that he was a Chow/Akita/Terrier mix.
Oh dear....that means he is a BIGTIME hunter...of small...furry....prey...like ferrets.
Crap.
He is GREAT with people, a big lovemonster!!! Likes cats, loves other dogs...all kinds...but ferrets...? Not so much. Too much like squirrels.
I took great pains to keep Obie away from the ferrets. Most of the time they are in their cage. But they need "Play Time" to stay healthy. Bouncing, chattering, being ferrets.
We have had some close calls...but Today was THE day. Obie was ready.
It happened so fast I barely can remember...but Obie knocked me down and charged upstairs.
I tried to grab his tail. I couldn't hang on. I screamed. Loudly.
As I desperately tried to climb the stairs, I saw it happen. Angelou screamed...(ferrets scream...it is a horrible, heartbreaking sound...). I saw Obie pick her up. He shook her....her spine broke...she was gone. Just.Like.That.
Oh dearest Lord in heaven...PLEASE!! I beg of you...give me another chance!!!
Angelou was playing one minute, and in an instant...she was gone.....just like that. NO!!! PLEASE...one more chance? But no, it was done.
I deserve to die.
HOW could I let this happen? What a worthless excuse for a parent am I.
Once I pried Obie's jaws open, I knew she was already gone. I held her in my arms. She had that sweet "Corn Chip" smell....her tail was still in "Bottlebrush" mode from the attack. She was gone. Limp, devoid of life. I did it. I am scum.
And it was over, almost before it began 8 babies...now 7...oh dear GOD I am the worst mother in the world.
She was so sweet, fiesty, LIVELY!!! She talked ALL the time!! She loved milk, climbing pant-legs, tunels.
She survived a fire, and a home where she was NEVER let out of her cage...we adopted her...full of love and HOPE....and we let her die.

I received precious little sympathy...people think it is STUPID to greive so deeply over a ferret.
Several said it was my fault, because I had too many species in one home.
They are right...but they were/are ALL rescue animals.
So who WILL give them a home???? Fine, so Susan cannot do it all.....could SOMEONE freakin' HELP me????
There are animals EVERYWHERE in need...who will save them?
Was it better that Angelou had 1 1/2 years fo happy life than 3 in solitary confinement?
But why couldn't I SAVE her...?
I am the worst person in the world.
Do you know that almost NOBODY offered me any kindness today? One person actually LAUGHed..."OH SUSAN, YOU'RE SO funny"....

I am sorry...did I miss something...? My CHILD died today and you...laugh????
Linda W., you suck.
Dear Lord in Heaven...I had more to write....but I am in dark place right now.
If you pray...PLEASE pray that Angelou forgives me...though I do not deserve it.
Please love your babies while they are here....Peace to you all.....