Cheyenne - I love you - Goodbye

Cheyenne is gone. It happened Monday. She was ready, but it still hurts.

Cheyenne was a Golden Retriever/Yellow Lab mix. She spent most of her life being "the dog"....NOT family.
The family that owned her before were not loving people. Not kind people.
The dumbass, worthless daughter pawned poor Cheyenne off on her elderly parents when she was about 10 years old.
She lost interest.
A ten year old dog isn't "fun" anymore.
The selfish biznitch might have to....."work".
HEAVEN forbid!
So the elderly father did his best.
But he was married to the "Wicked Witch of Fort Wayne".
Evil, hateful old woman.
She did not want Cheyenne in the house for fear she might get fur in her pristine home.
I will spare you the details, but eventually Cheyenne was sent to the garage.
To live.
Or die.
14 year old bones. NO bed. Lying on the hard cement floor.
Day after day.
Potty in the Garage.
Sleep in the Garage.
Die in the Garage.
A good friend of mine and I basically lied our (CUTE!!) little arses off to get poor Cheyenne out of the goulag.
When I finally got her, she was 14 years old.
Her hair was falling out in clumps.
She was SEVERLY malnourished and dehydrated.
She had an untreated Urinanry Tract infection that had been working on her frail system for MONTHS.
It permanently damaged her kidneys and bladder.
I was afraid she would not make it through the weekend.
That was August 4th, 2008.

Amazingly, after my husband and I got her some medicine, GOOD food, water and an orthapedic bed, she not only improved, she FLOURISHED!!!
She romped in the yard! Chased squirrels! Balls! Dug holes (yeah, THANKS Obie!! Why do they ONLY teach each other the NAUGHTY stuff???). She went on walks and rolled in green grass!
She sat on the couch. Ate pizza crust (her favorite!)! I cooked her meat (I don't cook my HUSBAND meat!!).
She was loved.
Viola, our HUGE Maine Coon would sleep with her each night.
Viola is sleeping on Cheyenn's bed right now.....alone.
Evenyually, poor Cheyenne's body began to break down.
She turned 15 in October.
She stopped eating. Stopped drinking. Stopped romping.
She was READY, I know it. I could tell.
Her eyes said "Okay, seriously? I'm just done now."
I know it was the right thing to do to have her put down. She was ready, it was time.
Why does it still HURT so bad?
Since Febuary 2008, I have lost 5 of my children.
Othello (my most PRECIOUS baby boy) at 13, Molly (Travis' baby, VERY hard for him, VERY hard) also at 13 yrs, Milton (8 1/2 year old ferret...OLD for ferrets!!), and poor sweet Angelou to the..."incident"
It's in my blogs. Don't want to talk about it anymore.
And now Cheyenne.
So, I am left with 6 babies.
3 cats. 2 dogs. 1 ferret.
The house feels oddly empty.
I told the others they are FORBIDDEN to die!!! Or they will be in SERIOUS trouble!!!!
I'll let you know if that works.
Seriously, I need a break. I just cannot DO this anymore. Not for awhile.
The death. Saying Good-Bye. Ashes. The "room" in the Vets office.
It hurts too much.
It sits in my brain. In my soul.

Oh, hey, THIS is fun. The evil old woman who sent Cheyenne to the goulag called my Vet.
She wants my address. Wants to send me a "note".
Can't WAIT for that.

But would I do it again? Take in an animal I knew had a short life span ahead. To help them. To show them some peace and love and comfort in their last days?
Even if it ripped out my soul one more time.
YES.
Always.
It's what I do.
It's WHY I am here.

I AM SO SICK OF BEING IN THE MIDDLE!!!!

I'm TOO nice, I'm TOO angry, I'm TOO Liberal, I'm TOO conservative. I'm ALWAYS TOO....SOMETHING!!!
WHEN can it be okay to just be......me?
You know the downside of trying to celebrate diversity?
The diverse friends you collect.....HATE EACH OTHER!!!!!!!
I can't win. EVER! No matter WHAT I do, SOMEONE thinks I am a total MORON!!!!
In a way, I really don't care.
In another way....I ALWAYS care.
No matter HOW hard I work or HOW hard I try, everyday, I WILL piss SOMEBODY off!
Yeah, I know. I'm almost 40. Shouldn't I have figured that out a LONG time ago???
Yet, my very NATURE allows me to relate to a WIDE variety of people. This is what I was MADE to do. To RELATE. To CONSOLE. To LOVE. To show COMPASSION. To celebrate DIVERSITY. To ACCEPT.
I WANT to do this. I was BORN to do this.
My mental illness gets in the way.
No matter WHO I reach out to or what "fringe" group they belong to, something I do, some basic part of who I am.....is "wrong".
The Transgender girl/boy in the band I manage is giving me FITS!!
I worked my ASS off for her/him!! Okay, I did it for the mixed/lesbian I have known since she was a child who is ALSO in the band. I feel very MOTHERLY towards her.
But still. If I can accept the drug addaled, pyscho, transgender girl/boy for who s/he is, WHY can't s/he accept ME for who I am?
Why is it ME who always has to change? Why am I laways the one who is.....wrong?
Fine. I known these people NEED someone. They NEED to be shown LOVE, ACCEPTANCE,TOLERANCE.
They've been screwed over ROYALLY in their lives.
SOMEONE needs to show them some LOVE and COMPASSION.
It's the same old story of my life.
I'm TOO normal for the FREAKS, and TOO freaky for the NORMAL people. I fit in everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
I'm so tired of it.
When can it be okay to love Industrial Metal Music and Pedicure parties?
When can it be okay to be a Christian and a straight GLBT Activist?
When can it be okay to love animals, be a Vegetarian, and still think PETA does some weird crap sometimes?
When can it be okay to be supportive of "alternative" (HATE that phrase!!!) "lifestyles" and yet be ridiculed for my mostly "convential" one?
When can it be okay to be......me?
To be Susan.
To have Purple streaks in my hair and to love Jesus?
To enjoy Industrial Music and to want to be home to fix my sweet, hardworking hubby dinner?
To absolutely ADORE my GLBT friends and still hope to NOT be considered a "freak" by many of the "Christians" I know?
To be proud of my GLBT Church and to be friends of Atheists?
To not really be "into" porn and think it is awesomely HILARIOURS to find out a friend is putting a "GLory Hole" in his closet?
To be an overweight Vegetarian?
To want to paint my nails Green and to think that being unable to express oneself WITHOUT using the "F-word" shows lack of creativity.
To Adore Carrie Underwood and to HATE Country "Music"?
To LOVE "Pysch" On USA& think that reality TV (American Idol included) is worthless, pointless drivel.
When, when WHEN will it be okay to be.........Susan?
To be Different/the same? To be Liberal/Conservative? To be Open Minded/yet VERY Opinionated?
To be a little bit Rock-N-Roll and a Little bit Techno?
To sometimes feel like a NUT, sometimes don't?
To be someone OTHER than Jan Brady?
When will it finally be okay to be poor, pathetic, mixed up me?

Because I am QUITE sure the being SUSAN is the ONLY person I REALLY know how to be!

Travis...The Chimp...

No, this is NOT about my HUSBAND Travis...although he can be a bit "chimp-like" at times.....

This is about the teenage Chimp, named Travis (ironic), that was recently killed by the police for mauling a friend of his Human Mommy.

From what I understand, Travis was not "just" a pet, he was this woman's son. She taught him to dress himself. He could use the bathroom on his own. Ate fine foods at the table. Drank his wine from a long-stemmed glass. Surfed the Web (for what....ummm...not sure, but hey, why not?).

I started writing this post right after the whole bit was in the news. For some reason, if felt to soon for me, like I needed to let it all "settle" in my mind.

Now, the "odd" parts of this woman's relationship with Travis, her chimp-son. They cuddled to gether and slept in the same bed.
Now, I gotta be honest, 2 of our dogs and one of our cats sleep in our bad every night. I actually sleep BETTER with them there. So, to ME, this sleeping with a monkey in your bed doesn't seem that weird. Whatever.

She apparently bathed with him.
Okay, THIS I do find a bit,,,wierd. I mean, when I bathe my dogs I DO get a bath in the process....but...not the same thing. I dunno....jury is still out on that, I guess.

I won't belabor the details, I'm sure most of you heard ENOUGH of it already.
Basically, Travis freaked out for some unknown reason and attacked a friend of his mommy's. Someone he apparently knew and otherwise liked.
The police had to be called, and Travis was shot dead.

Now, I don't know about you, but if one of my dogs attacked someone, and I couldn't stop them, and had to watch the police gun down MY baby......it would not be a good thing.
This is just ME, mind you, but I can tell you right now, it's something I would NEVER get over. That image would haunt me for the rest of my life. Every. Single. Day.
I don't think there's enough drugs in the WORLD that would help get me over THAT situation.
It really made me angry, the jokes at the woman's expense.
At Travis' expense.
I don't care how odd/freaky the relationship was, the poor old widow (she was in her 70's) just watched her son, her baby, her LIFE gunned down in front of her!!!!!!!!

Cripes! Do people have NO compassion for ANYTHING they don't understand?

I'm not going to get into the debate over whether or not apes should be kept as pets, wild animals in the home, ect.
I'm no expert on that, so I just can't go there.
Regardless, she loved Travis. He loved her. It appears she took good care of him. She watched him die, violently. Just leave the poor woman alone.
She's suffered enough, don't you think?

More Random Rants...

As many of you know, some woman who already had 6 children had invitro-fertilization/eggs-planted/some-weird-crap so she could give birth to EIGHT MORE FREAKIN-BABIES!!!!!
So now this chic, who is younger than me, has FOURTEEN kids...under the age of seven....!!!!!
Seriously?
Look, I do not have any "human" children for a reason...I do not want them.
Kids are GREAT! Cute! Sweet! Funny!........LOVE them!!!!!
Until they infest your home every....damn...day......
Oh HELL no!
Give me the furry variety of children ANYday!
So granted....I am NEVER going to understand why ANYONE would willingly have 14 children.
Hell, I cannot understand why anyone would want FOUR children! Sheeesh!
That aside, it does piss me off when it is mentioned that she is a "single mother".
Granted, I do understand the implication. How could TWO adults properly care for 14 young children, let alone ONE adult.
But the fact that she is not currently married should not be the issue.
Fine, so my personal backgroud clouds my objectivity on this situation.
If you want to hate this stupid chic, there are PLENTY of legitimate reasons to do so aside from her marital status. Get over it!
I have been unemployed since December 9th, 2008. We have a home. Utility bills. Groceries. Credit Card bills that have not been paid in ages. Creditors. Bill collectors. Seven pets that are OUR children. They need food. Shots. Toys. Medicine.
Just like their human conterparts.
Yet every year, my husband and I have to pay taxes. LOTS of taxes.
Husband is only a High School Teacher and Coach. He works his butt off EVERY day.
For very little money. His school system is the lowest paid in this area.
Yet we have NO DEDUCTIONS......
No "children".
Therefore...no "expenses"......
Yet women who pop out a baby every year get money out the wazoooo!!!!
Bitter? Yeah, a little.
Look, my mother worked her ASS OFF every day of her LIFE because she did not believe in taking money she did not "earn"
She did not believe getting pregnant unexpectedly gave you the right to get a check from the Government.
So she scraped. She suffered. She struggled. She gave me a comfortable life.
But she died without a penny to her name.
Have I ever told you I hate people?
My "so-called-father" never paid one worthless dime towards my care.
He had his wife. His three perfect kids. His precious "big money" job.
My mother never asked for one thing after he denied us.
She pushed on, went forward, survived.
So back to the mom with 14 kids aged 7 and under.....
Okay. It is her choice.
I do wish them well.
But she willingly put herself into that position......
Therefore she should find her OWN way out.........
Without MY money.......
Good luck.

Death

******WARNING****** THIS IS NOT DIRECTED AT ANY OF THE WONDERFUL, SWEET PEOPLE WHO SUBSCRIBE TO MY BLOG..........

This is to people who will likely NEVER IN THEIR LIVES visit this site. The following is ONLY an outlet for my grief and anger, thank you, and I LOVE you!!!!!!

I am the world's worst mother. Yes, it's true. I am a horrible, evil, stupid, worthless "person"....I suck.
Today, Jan. 7th, 2009, my sweet, fiesty ferret Angelou died, and it was all my fault.
I desreve to suffer.
I, as most of you know, am a life-long animal lover. Truth be told, I get along with animals and "fringe" groups of people WAY better than most "normal" humans.
I have had ferrets since about 1994. My THEN boyfriend..."J"...(someone I love reading this introduced us...) impulsively brought one home from the Pet Shop where he worked.
I fell in LOVE !!!! We named him SHAKESPER....he was a sweet, gentle ferret.
But ferrets are social creatures, they love to cudle up to other ferrest as they sleep, bounce, play, chatter...basically party, party, PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have had an albino named Einstein, a perfect sable (Shakespear), a cinnoman Sable named Milton, a Chocolate Sable named Marlowe, also traditional Sable Angelou and my big, chubby, chunky Shelley-belly.
I have also been pround to be owned by several, cats, dogs and rats over the years..(yes, Rats..they are SMART!! And will dance for CHEESE!!!)
On March 17th, 2008, we adopted a small, dirty ball of puppy-fluff that had been abaondoned on the interstate. He was precious!!!
Later, we discovered (through testing) that he was a Chow/Akita/Terrier mix.
Oh dear....that means he is a BIGTIME hunter...of small...furry....prey...like ferrets.
Crap.
He is GREAT with people, a big lovemonster!!! Likes cats, loves other dogs...all kinds...but ferrets...? Not so much. Too much like squirrels.
I took great pains to keep Obie away from the ferrets. Most of the time they are in their cage. But they need "Play Time" to stay healthy. Bouncing, chattering, being ferrets.
We have had some close calls...but Today was THE day. Obie was ready.
It happened so fast I barely can remember...but Obie knocked me down and charged upstairs.
I tried to grab his tail. I couldn't hang on. I screamed. Loudly.
As I desperately tried to climb the stairs, I saw it happen. Angelou screamed...(ferrets scream...it is a horrible, heartbreaking sound...). I saw Obie pick her up. He shook her....her spine broke...she was gone. Just.Like.That.
Oh dearest Lord in heaven...PLEASE!! I beg of you...give me another chance!!!
Angelou was playing one minute, and in an instant...she was gone.....just like that. NO!!! PLEASE...one more chance? But no, it was done.
I deserve to die.
HOW could I let this happen? What a worthless excuse for a parent am I.
Once I pried Obie's jaws open, I knew she was already gone. I held her in my arms. She had that sweet "Corn Chip" smell....her tail was still in "Bottlebrush" mode from the attack. She was gone. Limp, devoid of life. I did it. I am scum.
And it was over, almost before it began 8 babies...now 7...oh dear GOD I am the worst mother in the world.
She was so sweet, fiesty, LIVELY!!! She talked ALL the time!! She loved milk, climbing pant-legs, tunels.
She survived a fire, and a home where she was NEVER let out of her cage...we adopted her...full of love and HOPE....and we let her die.

I received precious little sympathy...people think it is STUPID to greive so deeply over a ferret.
Several said it was my fault, because I had too many species in one home.
They are right...but they were/are ALL rescue animals.
So who WILL give them a home???? Fine, so Susan cannot do it all.....could SOMEONE freakin' HELP me????
There are animals EVERYWHERE in need...who will save them?
Was it better that Angelou had 1 1/2 years fo happy life than 3 in solitary confinement?
But why couldn't I SAVE her...?
I am the worst person in the world.
Do you know that almost NOBODY offered me any kindness today? One person actually LAUGHed..."OH SUSAN, YOU'RE SO funny"....

I am sorry...did I miss something...? My CHILD died today and you...laugh????
Linda W., you suck.
Dear Lord in Heaven...I had more to write....but I am in dark place right now.
If you pray...PLEASE pray that Angelou forgives me...though I do not deserve it.
Please love your babies while they are here....Peace to you all.....