Blast to the Past......

I was born in the wagon of a traveling show...OH wait! That's a Cher song, my bad!

Actually I was born in an evil, godforsaken place called Wabash, Indiana. Yeah, yeah, Crystal Gail was born there too. Fine.. so a grand total of 2 good things came from that place.

My mom fled to Wabash when she was pregnant in 1969. I was made during the "Summer of Love"...typical for me! My mom never wanted children. She was a free spirit. She worked very hard, was born into a looonnngg line of farmers.
But, she wanted more! She LOVED music, wanted to dance, sign, play piano. She longed to travel. No strings attached, just fun!
Then she met..."him".....my sperm donor. Tall, dark, kinda dangerous. VERY smooth. Said ALL the right things! Took her out! Told she was beautiful!!! (She really was! She looked like some kind of Petula Clark/Connie Francis beauty in her Senior picture. I'll share it sometime!)

But, ooops! He kinda forgot to mention he was married....that's not a PROBLEM...is it???

She wasn't happy, told that boy to take a hike. Mom and I always had a weakness for the "bad boys"! Oh well, no problem! Live and learn.....until....oh crap.....she was pregnant.

Sperm donor was already married, with 3 lovely children. Perfect little life. Good job at the bank. Great money.
"Yes, this poor, uneducated farm girl must be mistaken. I couldn't posibly be the father of her child! I mean....who IS she.....? No one of importance, of course."

Trust me, had abortion been an option at that time, you would not be reading these words right now....at least not written by me.

She was devestated! She had no money! She was a clerk at a small drug store. Her family were nothing but "uneducated" farmers. They already thought she was the wild child. A lost cause!

But, her family loved her, wanted to help. Gave her all the support they could. But, she was worried about what people would say, since being an "un-wed mother" was still a big, bad thing in a small rural town.Thus, she fled that place she (and all of my family) was born in to hide out in ........Wabash. I hate that place.

She got a job, made up a story about being divorced (thinking that would help). We lived with my mom's older sister and my VERY COOL uncle. They moved there a couple years before that for work. My family was "nothing" socially. My sperm donor's family was "everything". Big shot at a local bank. No way anyone would believe her in her hometown...so she went into hiding.

Even though she did not want children ( a statement I heard MANY times) she did her best. Mom was born with what I now think would be called "bipolar disorder" or perhaps it was just depression, she had a rough time mentally and emotionally somedays. Back then they called it being.........moody and artistic.

She was not perfect, but I do know that she loved me. She lived the rest of her life (whitch ended in September 1998) trying to make up for the "sins of her past".
She never married. Had some "crushes" but did not date. She was trying to attone for her "sins". I being the (very) obvious result.

Oh, but Wabatuckey (Wabash) was NOT a welcoming place. We were kicked out of MANY churches. Sometimes, because she told the she was "divorced". They didn't want a divoced woman in their church. Heaven forbid, when she actually DID tell them the TRUTH, they would scoot us out the door before the first Hymn was finished! Turns out many of those churches didn't want "sinners" in their congegations. Go Figure.
Some people called her a Lesbian (because we had to live with her sister/my aunt). Some people called her a Whore.

EVERYONE (okay, not everyone, but lots of people) called me a worthless bastard. How I hate that word. The "kind" people called me an "Illigitamate Child". What the FUCK does that mean anyway?
Did I miss that? Was I not human?
Crap. All this time I thogut I had flesh, bones, a soul........feelings. Silly me.

I remember so clearly in first grade. West Ward Elementary School. Somewhere around 1976.
First grade teacher, Ms. Wulser. I. Hate. That.Woman.

We had to draw a family picture. ALL of our family. Up to this point, I had asked exactally one question about my sperm donor. Did I have one. Mom said yes. But he has another family. I said. Okay. Went back to watching "Sanford and Son", or "The Electric Company", maybe "The Jeffersons", not sure.

Anyway. In my picture was me (duh), my Mom, both of her sisters (my Aunts), my Uncle in the sky with wings (he died in 1974) and my cat. Good picture for a six year old!

Ms.Wulser held each picture up. Asked questions about it. Then she came to me.

"Is this your Daddy in the sky?" "No, that's Uncle Chucky". "You need to put your daddy in the picture" "I don't have one" (thinking to myself...LORD! This woman is stupid! Didin't she get the memo?) "EVERYONE has a Daddy Susan. You HAVE TO draw him. Even if you don't live in the same house". "But, I..DON't HAVE A DAD"! Thinking, cripes, and this stupid woman is my teacher?? Oy vey!

I had to stay in for recess until I put this person that didn't exist in my picture. I would not do it. I could draw Bugs Bunny, Snoopy, even Woody Woodpecker. THEY were real. This "Dad" people spoke of.....not so much.

After that point on, I was THE target. That is the nature of grade school. Find a weak spot...and JUMP on it. It didn't help that I was a shy, chubby kid either. Some people thought we were the biggest freaks in town. We finally left in 1983 ( I was 13). A new start!

Thus ends part one........